The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
is that a dick in a sweater?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
