after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I did not marry a roomba.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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