i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
