I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
