i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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