I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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