hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
