We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
