I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
