the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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