I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
sarcasm needs its own font
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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