my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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