It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
