dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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