No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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