Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
