Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
