You can't special order awesome
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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