when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
