I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
