Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
