did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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