Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
