im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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