I think I won the penis lottery.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
