Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
worst night to have a conscience
Sober January is a disaster.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Watching her eat just hurts me
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
