i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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