i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
