im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
