Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
