i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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