Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
