i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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