so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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