That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
