Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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