ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
