Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
