I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
