good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My breasts were aching with rage.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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