That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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