who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
