$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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