I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
