my phone needs a breathalizer
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
