we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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