i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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