I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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