i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
