So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
