Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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