Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
