3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
