She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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